גישור במשפחה או גישור גירושין או גישור משפחתי, באמת לא משנה איך תקראו לזה, שונה באופן מהותי מכל גישור אחר. גישור במשפחה נעשה בדרך כלל בין שני אנשים שאינם יכולים להיפרד. הילדים, או במקרה של אנשים יותר מבוגרים, הנכדים, מהווים דבק ואילוץ להמשיך ולהיות בקשר או להשתתף באירועים חברתיים ומשפחתיים כאשר שני הצדדים נוכחים שם.
המחלוקות העיקריות בין בני זוג נסובות סביב שלושה נושאים מרכזיים:
- הנושא הראשון הוא כסף. כסף במובן של הרכוש שצברו הצדדים בזמן הנישואין, וכמובן גם כל ההוצאות הכספיות שנוגעות לילדים והוצאות אחזקתם.
- הנושא השני הוא זמני שהות עם הילדים, כלומר מי שוהה עם הילדים ומתי.
- הנושא השלישי הוא עניין האחריות ההורית, עניין שפעם קיבל בגאווה את הכותרת “משמורת” אולם כיום ברור כי הלכה למעשה מדובר בעניין של אחריות הורית, כלומר, היכן הילדים יגורו, מי ירשום את הילדים לבית הספר, מי ייקח אותם לרופא כשהם חולים, כמו גם מי יישאר עם הילדים בבית בעת מחלה או חופשים מהגנים ו/או בית הספר.אם פעם ההורה המשמורן היה יכול לקבל החלטות גורפות לעניין הילדים מבלי להתחשב בדעתו של ההורה השני, שהיה בדרך כלל האב, הרי שהיום הדברים השתנו, ואף ממשיכים להשתנות.
האתגרים בגישור משפחתי עם ילדים:
ככל שיש יותר ילדים, ויותר ילדים קטנים, בדרך כלל רמת המעורבות בגידול הילדים גבוהה יותר ומתוך כך בני הזוג באים יותר במגע. אם יש ילד קטן, נאמר תינוק בן שנה, והוא חולה, שהרי הדבר משפיע באופן מידי על עבודתם של הצדדים, מישהו צריך להישאר בבית. מעבר לכך ילד בן שנה לא יכול ללכת לבד לרופא או ליטול תרופות.
אם מדובר בילד בן שבע עשרה שהרי אפילו שהוא קטין [ילדים הם קטינים עד גיל שמונה עשרה], אם הוא חולה, הוא עדיין יכול לשהות לבד בבית, לקחת תרופות לבד, וכן הלאה. ילד בגיל שבע עשרה מאפשר לבני הזוג לצמצם את המגע בניהם בנוגע לגידול היומיומי שלי הילד.
יחד עם זאת, כאשר מדובר באירועים הקשורים לילד כגון בר מצווה, מסיבת גיוס, חתונה בשעה טובה וכן הלאה, שני ההורים צריכים או למען הדיוק – ראוי שיגיעו, ילד זה ילד.
לכן יש לזכור כי מבחינתם של בני הזוג ,חשוב שהגישור יסתיים עם טעם טוב ובאווירה חיובית שכן אחרת צריך “לסחוב” את האיבה עוד שנים רבות קדימה, ובינינו, למי יש כוח?
רגע, מה קורה אם הגישור לא הצליח?
היה וחס וחלילה הגישור לא מצליח הצדדים לעיתים קרובות נגררים להליך משפטי שנמשך שנים, במסגרתו כל אחד מהם משמיץ את השני ומחפש להרע לו, כאשר תוך כדי כך ההורים עושים את מה שהורים במאבק גירושים עושים הכי טוב וזה לתרגל בשעות הפנאי “ניכור הורי”.
אם לא היה מדובר בבני זוג אלא היה מדובר על שני סוחרים שמתווכחים על שווי של ארגז מלפפונים והליך הגישור ביניהם היה נכשל, אנו מבינים שמלפפונים אינם ילדים ובסופו של יום לא יהיה צורך לשלוח את המלפפונים לפסיכולוג.
כאשר מדובר בבני זוג, עם כל הרצון להיפרד ולא לראות איש את רעהו לעולם ועד, הרי שלבני הזוג אין את הפריווילגיה הזאת ולכן, אם הם בני זוג נורמליים, צריכה להיות להם מוטיבציה ממשית להצליח בגישור.
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