.כל הליך גישור גירושין הוא שונה, כמו שכל זוג והמערכת יחסים במיוחדת שלו

אבל יש 3 דברים שניתן למצוא בכל הליך גישור גישור גירושין

פגישה יחידנית: פגישה שעורך מגשר זוגי עם כל אחד מבני הזוג בנפרד

בתחילת הפגישה היחידנית, יש להודיע לבן הזוג שכל הנאמר במסגרת הפגישה היחידנית נשאר חסוי וסודי מבן הזוג השני. על המגשר לזכור שמדובר במשימה לא פשוטה, במעין "מבחן אמינות" שאסור להיכשל בו. לכן, על המגשר החכם לשים לב איזה מידע הגיע אליו במסגרת הפגישה היחידנית ולהימנע מלפלוט אותו בטעות, בוודאי בלי שקודם לכן קיבל אישור מפורש לעשות זאת. מסירת מידע שהתקבל בפגישה היחידנית לצד השני, בלי להקדיש לכך זהירות ומחשבה, עלולה להיתפס על ידי המתגשרים כנקיטת עמדה של המגשר לצד אחד מבני הזוג.

אחת המטרות של הפגישה היחידנית היא לאפשר לבן הזוג "ללכלך" על בן הזוג השני כאוות נפשו [ואתם תופתעו לגלות כמה לכלוך יש….] וכך לפרוק הרבה מטענים שליליים אשר אם היו נפרקים בנוכחות בן הזוג, הדבר היה מסתיים באסון.

כאשר בן זוג "מלכלך" על בן הזוג השני אין צורך להתעמת עמו אלא לקבל את הנאמר, תוך כדי הבעת צער וסימפטיה. הדבר יוצר אמון עם המתגשר ובשלבים יותר מאוחרים מאפשר למגשר לקדם את האינטרס של הגישור. יש להבדיל בין קבלה של הדברים לבין הסכמה לעצם נכונותם או נקיטת עמדה. המגשר חייב להקפיד על שמירת הגבול הדק בין יצירת יחסים קרובים עם המתגשר לבין חברות שלאחר מכן עלולה לפתח אצל המתגשר ציפיות לא לגיטימיות מהמגשר שזה יפעל לטובתו, תוך אובדן האוביקטיביות.

לפגישה היחידנית יש מטרה חשובה נוספת והיא לעשות "סדר וניקיון" באג'נדה של בן הזוג. למשל אם האישה רוצה "לנקום בבעלה" על דברים שעשה, יש להבהיר לה שקשה לתרגם את הרצון ב"נקמה" למשהו שיהיה משפטי-פרקטי, ולכן חשוב שהאישה תעשה מאמץ ותגדיר מה יספק אותה כך שהיא תרגיש שקיבלה פיצוי הולם. רצון לנקום לא יכול להיות מוסדר בפרק "הנקמה" בהסכם הגירושין שמוגש לאישור בית המשפט.

כלומר, הפגישה היחידנית היא המקום לבדוק האם יש לבן הזוג דרישות הגיוניות להסדר או שהדרישות תלושות מהמציאות. למשל אם אישה רוצה תשלום חודשי מהגבר שהוא גבוהה מההכנסה שלו, יש לבדוק איתה מה לדעתה המקורות שעומדים לגבר כדי לספק את הדרישה. אם למשל הגבר רוצה שהאישה תשמור לו אמונים גם לאחר הפרידה, צריך להבהיר שסעיף כזה לא ניתן להכניס להסכם.

הליך גישור גירושין

הפגישה היחידנית היא כלי מצוין בעבור המגשר להתחיל "למסגר" את "המנעד"  של הגישור. כך שבמסגרת הפגישה היחידנית, אפשר לשאול את בן הזוג, המתגשר, שאלות כגון: "מה באמת את/ה רוצה?" מה היה מספק אותך? ואז כאשר מקבלים תשובה, אפילו אם היא מוגזמת, היא עדיין מהווה נקודת קצה, או אם תרצו, מסגרת. כלומר אם בן הזוג השני יסכים לקבל את הנקודה הזו כנקודת קיצון, פנטסטית ככל שתהיה, אתם יודעים שהגישור עתיד להסתיים בהצלחה.

שיקוף: לחזור על דברי המתגשר באופן נעים וענייני

כאשר בני זוג יושבים יחד בהליך הגישור, הם בדרך כלל טעונים אחד כלפי השני וברגע שאחד מהם מקבל את הבמה וניתנת לו זכות הדיבור, הוא מנצל את האפשרות כדי לומר מה הוא רוצה לקבל בהסכם, אך גם מוסיף תבלינים כדי "לסגור חשבונות" עם בן הזוג השני. מדובר בפעולה "טבעית" שעושה בן הזוג המתגשר. המגשר המיומן צריך לצפות לפעולה זו ולהיות ערוך לקראתה.

שיקוף רגשות

לדוגמה: האישה אומרת: "בעלי כל השנים גנב ממני כספים, קילל אותי, איים על הילדים, וגם עכשיו הוא חושב שאני עבד שלו." המגשר שומע את הדברים, רושם אותם בצורה מסודרת, ומעביר את המסר לבעל: "אשתך טוענת שלא התנהלת באופן הגון עם הכספים, נהגת להשתמש בשפה בוטה, היית מאוד קשוח עם הילדים, וגם כיום אתה מצפה שאשתך תעשה הכל." כפי שאתם שמים לב ה"שיקוף" מעביר את המסר תוך כדי "ריכוך" הטענות אולם מבלי לאבד את האופי שלהן ואת הרכיבים שלהן.

חשוב שהמגשר המיומן לא יאבד אף רכיב של הטענות ולכן חשוב לרשום אותן. אם מגשר "שוכח" להעביר חלק מהטענות הוא נכנס לשדה מוקשים שכן אותו בן זוג, מתגשר, כאשר שוכחים רכיב מהטענות שלו, עלול לחוש שהמגשר פועל נגדו.

כמגשר יש לזכור כל הזמן, בזמן ה"שיקוף" שאם מגשר נחשד בחוסר ניטרליות הוא יאלץ לעמול קשה כדי להסיר מעליו את החשד, אם הגישור לא התפוצץ כבר קודם לכן.

כלומר הליך ה"שיקוף" מאפשר לנו להעביר מסרים בצורה מרוככת מבן זוג אחד לשני, להעלות את הנושאים המרכזיים, ואז גם לברור מתוכם את העניינים החשובים כדי שבסופו של יום ייחתם הסכם בין הצדדים.

הליך השיקוף, מעבר לתחושת ההקשבה שהוא נותן, תורם רבות להפחתת העויינות באמצעות הזדהות וסימפטיה, ועוזר כמנגנון לסינון נקודות מרכזיות להמשך ההליך.

השיקוף מהווה כלי ליצירת הקשבה בין בני הזוג. כשבני הזוג יושבים מסביב לשולחן הגישור הם נתונים לסערת רגשות ולכן אינם מקשיבים אחד לשני. יחד עם זאת, הם מקשיבים למגשר, מדוע? מפני שהמגשר הוא אדם שלישי שכלפיו אין להם מטענים שליליים ולכן הם יכולים להקשיב לו, וגם להבין מה הוא אומר.

כלומר השיקוף הוא לא רק כלי להעברת מסרים מבן זוג אחד לשני, אלא "תרגיל פסיכולוגי" בו אדם שלישי אומר את הדברים שבן הזוג לא היה שומע אחרת.

סיטואציה של גירושין: השלב שבו בני הזוג מפסיקים להיות בני זוג

העניין הזה נראה פשוט. הרי לבני הזוג ברור שהם מתגרשים. אז זהו, שלא. בני זוג שנהגו לריב בשלל של נושאים במשך חמש שנים או עשר שנים או עשרים שנה, ברוב המקרים לא מצליחים להבין שהם מתגרשים ושהזוגיות שלהם הסתיימה.

בני זוג שלא מבינים זאת יעלו טענות שונות ומשונות במסגרת הגישור שהן טענות שהמקום שלהן ביעוץ זוגי. כלומר, ייתכן שהאישה תטען: "אתה עושה טובה שאתה מתקלח פעם בשלושה ימים, פשוט גועל נפש", ייתכן שהגבר יטען: "אפילו ארוחת ערב את לא יודעת להכין". או "שאנחנו יוצאים עם חברים את תמיד עושה בושות." מן הסתם אותו האישה שוכחת שזה כבר לא צריך לעניין אותה כמה פעמים בשבוע הגבר מתקלח וזה לא צריך לעניין את הגבר מה האישה עושה בזמן שהם יוצאים לבילויים שכן הוא כבר לא יצא לבילויים עם האישה הזאת. אותו גבר גם צריך לזכור שאם האישה יודעת לבשל ארוחת ערב או לא, זה כבר לא משהו שצריך לעניין אותו. כלומר, אחד התפקידים המרכזיים של מגשר משפחתי, באופן מפתיע, הוא להזכיר כל הזמן לבני הזוג שהם עכשיו – בסיטואציה של גירושין.

כאשר ההבנה הזו מחלחלת לתוך ההבנה של בני הזוג, המלאכה נעשית הרבה יותר קלה. אחת הטכניקות להבטיח זאת, היא פשוט להימנע מכניסה לשיחות שנוגעות לזוגיות של בני הזוג.

אם האישה מגיבה להשמצות של הבעל באמירה כגון: "הוא לא באמת מתכוון, הוא בפנים, בתוך תוכו, עדיין אוהב אותי." מבחינתי, אמירה זו מעידה, שאותה אישה לא בשלה לגירושין והיא למעשה עדיין לא מבינה שבעלה רוצה להתגרש. היא למעשה נמצאת בשלב של הכחשה. גם אמירות של הבעל כגון: "לא יודע מי הכניס לה את הרעיונות האלו לראש, נראה לי שזה בגלל שאחותה התגרשה." גם אמירות אלה מעידות על כך שהבעל אינו מבין שהאישה באמת רוצה להתגרש ממנו. עצם העובדה שהם הגיעו למגשר שעוסק בגישור לצורך גירושין, לא ממש מרשים אותם – אפשר אפילו לראות בכך הכחשה של עצם ההליך.

גישורים עם בני זוג שעדיין לא משלימים עם ההליך של הגירושין וגם לא מודעים באמת לעובדה שהם כנראה מתגרשים, הם גישורים קשים וארוכים יותר, לא בגלל המורכבות של הגישור עצמו או הנושאים שעל הפרק, אלא בגלל הצורך של בני הזוג להסתגל לרעיון – שהם מתגרשים.

איך להוציא את המקסימום מהליך הגישור ?

בת זוג או בן זוג שנכנס להליך של גישור, עליו לדעת למן הרגע הראשון שבלב הליך הגישור יושב משא ומתן. מה הוא משא ומתן? משא ומתן הוא בעצם הליך בו מבקשים דברים, ומציעים דברים, באמצעים שונים, כדי להגיע בסופו של דבר להסכמות בנושאים שעל הפרק.

השאלה היא כמובן, איך עושים זאת בצורה הטובה ביותר, וכיצד מקבלים את המרב ונותנים את המינימום.

שימוש ברגשות

מה שאתם צריכים לדעת כבר בשלב הזה אודות השימוש ברגשות, הם שני דברים:

  1. כאשר מישהו מציע הצעה שלא מקובלת עליכם, ואתם רוצים לדחות את ההצעה הזאת בצורה יעילה, יש להשתמש לצורך הדיפת ההצעה בנימוקים רגשיים בלבד, אין להיכנס לנימוקים עניינים או מספריים שנוגעים למשא ומתן. כדי להקל עליכם אני כבר מציין פה מספר סוגים של רגשות שאתם יכולים להשתמש בהם: כעס, זעם, עלבון, זעזוע, בכי, ייאוש, פגיעה בתקווה, תחושת נבגדות, תחושות של ניצול והונאה וכן הלאה.
  2. חשוב להיות מודע לכך שהצד השני עושה שימוש בנימוקים רגשיים כדי להדוף את ההצעות שלכם. עליכם לשים לב מתי הצעות שלדעתכם הן לגיטימיות נתקלות במכשולים רגשיים.

מניסיוני הרב אני יכול לגלות לכם שנשים טובות הרבה יותר בשימוש ברגשות מאשר גברים. אני רואה זאת פעם אחר פעם בגישורים שאני עורך. גברים באופן טבעי מנסים לפייס אותן או ליישר קו עם דרישותיהן, אפילו כשיש בין בני הזוג כבר שנאה יוקדת.

אם בן הזוג מודע לשימוש שאפשר לעשות ברגשות כדי להדוף הצעות במסגרת המשא ומתן, הדבר גם מביא באופן טבעי לכך שההתנגדות לא מתקבלת.

השאלה הקשה היא – מה עושים כאשר מציעים הצעה שלדעתכם היא לגיטימית ובן הזוג השני הודף אותה בנימוקים רגשיים?

כמובן ש"קרב" ההדיפות הזה נראה כמו כניסה למלחמה, אבל אל תטעו, כך מתנהל משא ומתן בריא כאשר יש צד אחד שמבקש להדוף דרישות לגיטימיות באמצעות רגשות, והצד השני, שמודע לפעולות האלו, מגיב נכון, והודף בחזרה באמצעות רגשות.

לאילו שרוצים להיות מגשרים, או שהם כבר מגשרים ורוצים להיות מגשרים יותר טובים, זוהי נקודה שאתם צריכים להיות ערים לה, שכן אם לא תתערבו בזמן כשמתנהל "קרב" רגשות, הגישור יסתיים בפיצוץ וכולם ילכו הביתה כלעומת שבאו.

איך עוצרים "קרב" רגשות?

למגשר עומדות שלוש טכניקות פרקטיות כדי לעצור קרב רגשי שכזה:

  1. להודיע לצדדים שהפגישה הסתיימה ולקבוע עם כל אחד מהצדדים "פגישה יחידנית".
  2. להודיע לצדדים שבגישור אסור לבני הזוג לדבר אחד עם השני, אלא רק עם המגשר. המגשר מבטיח לעשות "שיקוף" ולהעביר לבן הזוג השני את המסרים באופן ענייני.
  3. לעצור את הצדדים ולהרגיע את האווירה באמצעות העובדה ששניהם פגועים וסבלו קשות מנישואים כושלים וכעת הם מתגרשים! "בסיטואציה של גירושין" אין מקום להמשיך בהאשמות אחד כלפי השני שכן הנישואים כבר נגמרו, אלא אם כן הם רוצים לתקן אחד את השני ולחזור לחיות יחד.

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